Tuesday, April 30, 2013

A Changing of the Guard

It seems so unreal, but my time as a stay-at-home parent has come to an end.

Yesterday, my Daelen spent his first entire day in the care of someone else.

The emotions I feel cannot be contained. I have spent the last hour or so reading blog posts about my time with Brytin and Daelen and additionally remembering thousand of moments I didn't post on the Internet.

I wish could redo it all. I wish I hadn't made so many mistakes, wasted so much time, I wish my kids were with me RIGHT NOW. I wish I had taken Brytin on 1,000 more adventures, and recorded every minute.

I wish I hadn't spent so much time concerned with raising amazing men, and spent many more hours enjoying my amazing boys.

Lord knows, I am a perfectionist. I am never satisfied with the results I produce - I can ALWAYS do better. And in parenting, it seems, it is ten times more heartbreaking to look back and wish you had done something more.

I know that I was home with Brytin when he most needed me to be the constant in his life. I know that I was home with Daelen at the most precious and vulnerable time in his life. I know that I have done the best I can with my children thus far. But I know I can do better.

Thankfully, I am smart enough to know when and how to make a change.

So...I will go to work. And my kids will go to daycare. But when we are reunited, I will NOT be too tired, too crabby or too busy to have some fun. I will find balance. I will choose happiness. And I will accept them as children who are learning.

And maybe, someday, I will be blessed with another opportunity to be home with my children. Maybe. Hopefully. Someday.